Thursday, Nov. 03, 2005

i shall let you in on one of my small little secrets. i have smthing abt deleting my smses. bet you'll think its quite weird for smses to have sentimental value of any sort..but yea, i try to keep as many of them as i can, till my inbox is flooded and i cant receive any more smses. then i'll look through them and sort them out, putting the nicer ones in a folder called " My Happy File* " and the rest i'll delete them.

i like reading through all these saved messages. on a long bus ride home, when im alone and bored, i'll take the hp out, and read them. it makes my day, really (: various msges fr various people, spanning truout the entire year. there's the "Going for chorale aud?", then the "Be my valentine?.." , "Crashing VJ today?", "Have fun in Finland!" etcetc...there are the complaints of sec4 classmates abt their new jc, invitations to pon lectures, bbq outings, kboxing..i mean, u get the idea. basically i save everything that makes me smile, makes me feel loved and happy and blessed to be in this world where everyone in the world cares.

sometimes i save sad messages too. just as a reminder not to commit tt same mistake again..

it's pretty interesting when you read the saved msges, and look back at how things turned out. its like looking back at photos. it helps u recall the sequence of events and things that happened, and how u've grown from then to what u are presently. when you read them, you think abt how you felt at that point of time,and what the outcome was. and then it makes u reflect whether or not the what you felt then was worth the while, or whether or not you did the right thing at that point of time.

but theres a limit to the no. of msges the phone can store. 140?? im constantly deleting some here, some there. its hard to choose which to delete smtimes, since all mean smthing to me. right now the folder is at its max again. i have that blinking msg-box--pic-thing indicating to me tt my mailbox is full. its been there since 8pm today, but i cant find anymore msges tt i can bear to delete. i was even thinking of copying them out in my journal so tt i can delete them! but no la, im not that mad. maybe i'll close my eyes and mindlessly press the delete button so tt i wont know what im deleting :) i hope tt doesnt sound like nonsense.

its quite disgusting isnt it? the extent of it. why am i doing this? is it a bad thing? its painfully childish keeping small little remnants of the past..not to mention, a waste of time. i never like letting memories fade- be it good or bad; its like im clinging on to something. its almost pathetic. i keep wanting to keep the good times alive in my mind, just in case the future isnt so pretty as the past. perhaps, on days when you are down, memories of the good times before will give you the strength to keep on going? (btw, does it make me optimistic or pessimistic then?) oh, i dont know how to put it, does it make sense to you??

ugh. btw, its not only the smses. i have shopping receipts, sweet wrappers, movie stubs, slips of notes passed ard class, christmas cards, angpow wrappers; i even save emails! they're all over my room, all over my life. the longer you keep them, the harder it is for you to throw them out. its okay now cos im 17. so its just about 10 years of junk, dating back from 7year old when im old enough to decide what to keep and what not to. i wonder when i'll outgrow this. imagine keeping things till yr 40. so when your 40year old,you are still relieving yr jc days; down to the little details like what so-and-so said to you about going broke on dec holidays, and what so-and-so-number-2 said about applying for to appear in a pizza-hut-commercial. you know, all these trivial stuff?

okok. i guess it cant be said as a bad or a good thing; its an okay thing. it just has been a habit that ive kept since young, and perhaps it kinda affected who i am today. in a good way i hope! ^^ by doing so, you remember the good bits in life, and how there are people around that actually love you so much..you can look back at things and then realise there's no need getting so worked up sometimes because in the end, some things dont really matter anyway -yea sometimes even relationships dont matter that much (im sorry it sounds harsh).

what im saying is that things come and go, people come and go too. dont grab or weep over something tts failed, or someone tt has gone..because all that really matters is tt u've done your best at that point of time, and u've learnt from it, so that you wont repeat the mistake. i guess in relationships too. tresure everyone you can while you have them with you, make them happy, make them smile, dont be too petty with things; and if the time comes, let them go. at least there's still the letters, sweet wrappers, smses, emails and wadnots that they've left you with. dont be too sad about it, at least he's a part of your memories; thats enough. let him go. :)

jotted in plain black and white at 9:47 p.m.
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