im playing myself silly. i dont know my priorities.

anyway.
last night i dreamt of a girl-i-wont-say-who. she was wearing a pretty, colourful, happy frock..the sort for chingay? and she was wearing pretty makeup that matched the colour of her dress -blue. in her hair were pretty feathers and sequinned pins whatever. anw u get the idea, this girl was dressed up for some performance of some kind. she's supposed to be laughing, taking photos, looking cute.

she's supposed to be; that means, she wasnt in the dream. she was crying and crying and crying and crying. she cldnt stop. the makeup on her face were smudged, and her happy-looking outfit looked like the saddest thing on earth. and i never saw her like that in my life. she was always smiling, and suddenly it seemed like she cldnt take it anymore; the brightly coloured dress and makeup cldnt conceal, rather it emphasized her feelings. (i DONT know whats with the dress in my dream, why the colours were so gaudy.so BLUE.)

she was crying, and friends around her were trying to help, condemning the guy that made her life so miserable, so tough blah. i think she was comforted by their concern, but she didnt feel better. but because they were trying she had to pretend she felt better so that her friends felt better that she felt better. does this make sense? she was so tired with this pretense that at the end of it all, she broke down and cried even harder. they didnt seem to understand; to them, he sucked, and he bullied her, and they think thats the reason she's upset. wrong.

i know this is all so exagerrated, but i felt so sad for her that i cried in my dream, too. i know this girl, and what happened. and i feel her pain. i dont think what anyone says will have effect on her, because they havent been walking around in her shoes. but im guessing i had been in almost the same pair awhile ago. she must be feeling how i felt then. lousy and hurt. hurt hurt hurt. i felt like going up to her and say that it'll turn out all ok. but i dont dare to, she might think im mocking her, being hypocritical: id feel like that if i were her. i want to help her, i cant help her. i dont think she'll want my help. she'll think "what makes u think u know so much". ya. im sorry. maybe i really dont know anything. but if i can help, in anyway i can, i will. i'll be glad to.

and i dreamt of him too. a little grey area in the dream, a subplot maybe -not the crux. and unlike the other dreams, this one saw him in a totally different light. i dont like what i saw in there, REALLY. but i guess the standpoint i took -in the dream - is the one taken by many many others in reality, but which i refuse to accept or take. i guess when disappointment slaps you too many times in the face, you'll learn how to swallow what u dont wanna believe.

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hmm. i think i'll edit this entry. dont like it that things are all a little too obvious. i shd just write it in my book, like i do everyday. my book and my blog are inversely related. on days when i blog, i dont write in my book. and vice versa. now my book's bursting with secrets and dirty laundry. no one shall lay his hands on it ever. hahahaha.