"the underlying reason behind all your mistakes, is that you think the world is a wonderful place"

of cos she didnt put it that way la. i cant remember her exact words. probably smthing more straightforward like "you think the world's so nice thats why you end up running into so much trouble". something to that effect

sam and i were talking abt certain issues just a moment ago before seah im, at harbourfront's yoshi (because she wanted yoshi for dinner, while i really didnt want anymore fast food) something abt others having a leverage over you if you share too much abt yourself to someone u arent close to. (and i learnt that leverage cld be applied to cases like that too! i always thought it was used in the context of figures, results, and occupational positions only. basically i thought it was a very theoretical word)

"why do u trust people so easily? why must you tell people everything? u cant lie? what if they turn out bad? what if they tell on you? what if they manipulate you?"
words from my mother. repeated, agreed, signed, approved, by everyone else in the world.

"you Dont study cos u think u'll do well somehow. and EVEN if u dont do well, u think that somehow, IN YOUR DREAMS, you are gg to get a good life. you think that everything's gg to be ok inevitably, even tho it isnt okay now. thats what u think. but im telling u, thats not what it is. you just fail and fail, and if u dont see a pickup soon enough, u become bitter and broken" (she said this sometime in june 06. ALL IN CHINESE. i remember cos i felt sad after that)

"and who knows, u keep losing things recently. 2 wallets, your ipod, yr diary, some money. maybe its not you, maybe its someone close to you'

man that's the latest thing ive heard. and the most absurd as well. i AM SURE its because im an absent minded muddle headed little girl. not because anyone's so free to betray me or whatever. its stupid to do so, anw.

and when i come home late, it'll be

"so you think you can walk alone at midnight, tru the contruction sites, and park connector, unharmed? what if they rape you? dont give me nonsense. you think the world is so nice; you think that everyone sleeps at night and mind their own businesses. who says so, WHO SAYS SO! there just needs to be one bad person, out of so many many good people, hiding in some bush and waiting for u to walk past, at past midnight like u always do everyday. and thats the end of u. i dont have to scold u like that anymore. do you like it?"

see thats my mother. i can recite what she says. she says it in a mix of chinese and english. mostly chinese. and when she thinks im not listening, she'll tone down and say it in english. something like that.

boy she keeps linking everything up. i dont see it like she sees it.

but my conclusion is not that she's naggy, or whether she's right or wrong; neither am i debating on whether being an idealist is good, or if im an idealist in the first place.
i just wanna show say that i LOVE her for caring so much. u know what i mean? u can FEEL THE LOVE when a person nags at u like that. i mean, its obvious enough; the things she says. and the way im behaving is atrocious, i dont seem to bloody care last time.

if you take away that whole chunk of words, all she is saying is that she loves you, and that she cant bear to see u facing the ugly ugly world, and to be hurt by the ugly ugly world. and so please be safe safe safe and listen to your-mother-who-knows-best!

i dont care whether what she says is true or not. but i'll just listen cos it makes her happy, you know?

i decided this after talking to sam. sam's such a good girl, and she's so pampered as well. i always laugh at her.
but she's actually so smart to see all these. im pampered less, but its undeniable that im STILL very cared for. and i dont EVEN appreciate it. i suck but im gg to change.

eh. i get so emo at night. i dont know if u get what im talkning abt, but putting thoughts down in words actually makes things clearer for Myself to see.

maybe tmr morning when i wake up, and read this, i'll be embarrassed, and i'll take it down.

ITS ALMOST MORNING. its DAWN! good dawn people!